Chasing chimeras

Oh my god, you guys.

Okay, so I look up from the computer to see some guy out at the front deck looking at me, so I get up (in my pjs, baby) to go see what he wants. He's probably in his mid-forties and has a thick accent that my Aussieness can only pick out as Pacific Islander of some sort but means I keep missing some of the things he says. I will henceforth blame my failure to understand his accent as the root of our troubles.

The man basically says, 'Uh, hi, I'm trying to find number six on this street but there isn't one?'

And I have to admit that so far he is very correct. There is no number six on this street. Then he says he's in the area spreading the word about how Jesus Christ is our awesome saviour and that he's coming back soon. I nodded along politely and bitched in my head about how I don't go around to people's houses preaching the awesomeness of atheism and science. (I don't bitch out loud though, because that would be rude, unlike coming to my house to tell me things I already know.)

Finally after a bit he asks if he can interest me in going somewhere tomorrow and I'm thinking 'fuck NO I don't want to go to your church, just let me go back to reading Regretsy, man.' Instead of this I just say 'no, thank you, I'm not really interested.'

Lara would have just gone back inside here. Lara is good at saying no to people and walking away.

I am not.

Thus this carried on for a bit more and I talked about how I had been religious but had moved away from that, and he asked if I was alone today or if my husband or kids were inside. I told him that, no, I didn't have a husband and kids and laughed because, dear lord, the sheer idea is hilarious to me even when coming from a stranger I've never met.

He asks me a few more times to go to his church. I continue politely declining. Then he asks if maybe I'd like to go out to a restaurant with him instead. (DAMN ME FOR SAYING I DIDN'T HAVE A HUSBAND.) I told him that, sorry, no, I wasn't really interested.

Then he kept asking if I was sure.

DUDE. If someone says no the first time to a date, pestering isn't the way to win them over.

Eventually he asks why I won't go on a date with him and I say that I have a girlfriend. (Because, apparently, I'm not interested just wasn't working.)

To which he said aww, but I needed a boyfriend as well.

By this point I'm sort of thinking HOLY CRAP, CAN I JUST GET OUT OF HERE? Seriously, Lara would be out of here. Why am I not, likewise, out of here? Damn this misplaced sense of politeness!

I tell him that, no, I don't need a boyfriend because I have a girlfriend.

But the guy keeps smiling and saying that a girlfriend isn't enough and I can't really be happy with that and that I need a boyfriend instead. ON AND ON.

SWEET BABY JESUS, HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP? (The answer would probably be to stop smiling like a rabbit in the headlights of dating doorknockers.)

He goes to say something else and I just cut him off with a big smile and 'I'm so sorry that I can't help you find number six, but good luck!' Then I take a few steps back to say THIS CONVERSATION IS NOW COMPLETE.

Luckily for me he takes that sign and while he does seem like he wants to tell me I need a boyfriend for the twelfth time and ask me to go to dinner with him, he doesn't and I smile and make my way back inside as he disappears off down the driveway.

This whole conversation was probably about six minutes long and not actually the half hour it felt like.

Damn the allure of these flannel pants! I just don't know my own power in them!